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DISCLAIMER: Growing Awareness Pty Ltd as publishers of this web-site do not dispense or recommend medical or psychiatric advice, nor prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for any diagnosable medical or psychiatric conditions. Any such action should only be taken either directly or indirectly on the advice of a physician or a qualified therapist.

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Awareness Articles

Your Inner Matriarch and Inner Patriarch - While they Fight you Lose - You halt them - You win

At the heart of so much of the fighting in relationships are two extremely dangerous inner selves - the Inner Matriarch and the Inner Patriarch. They fight each other constantly and they encourage fights particularly between men and women.

The only thing they have in common is that they are both dedicated to keeping all men and all women out of loving,trusting successful grown-up relationships at home, at work or anywhere else.

While these two characters are fighting they destroy our friendships, break down trust, kill love. Depending on which of the toxic two are the more powerful they can block self awareness in males or clamp females. They can stop everyone from growing their self awareness and self empowerment.

Now you can discover ways to deal with these two dangerous characters and undo the harm they have created fighting their endless battles inside us.

Male or female, straight or gay, we all have an Inner Patriarch and an Inner Matriarch inside us. Dealing with Inner Matriarchs and Patriarchs can involve subtle and not so subtle differences depending which one is the more powerful. It’s not about gender preferences or sexuality. It’s about the different ways things work depending on your energy system.

If your primary energy system is male you will tend to have the bigger problems with your Inner Matriarch and also with Inner Matriarchs in other people.

If your primary energy system is female you will tend to have more problems with your Inner Patriarch and with Inner Patriarchs in other people. Sidra Stone has devoted an entire book to the inner patriarch in her exceptional work “The Shadow King” where she explains what women can do to reduce the influence the negative effects of the Inner Patriarch.

On this site I am setting out to do something similar for males in terms of the problems they face with Inner Matriarchs.

How can I deal with these two Toxic Trouble Makers ?

There are ways to deal with these two trouble makers. The first step is self-awareness, recognising and unmasking what they are doing inside you. The day you can say to your own Inner Patriarch and Inner Matriarch “I am on to you now! I can see you fighting inside me and I don’t want it happening any more!” is the day you start to reduce their power over you and begin repairing the terrible damage they have been doing to your relationships.

The day your partner says to you “I know that was your Inner Matriarch / Patriarch speaking. I do not like him / her and I know he / she doesn’t like me. I am so glad it is not the real person I love!” is a wonderful day for both of you. This site will help you in your struggle to free yourself from their hold and get back to loving, caring grown-up relationships again.

For More go to - http://www.growingaware.net/index.html

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The Magic Restaurant - Metaphor for Relationships

The Magic Restaurant has the most amazing food and an incredible range to choose from. All of your favourite foods are on the menu as well as many others that you have always wanted try but have never had the chance.

There are however two very strict rules at the Magic restaurant.

The first rule is that you cannot eat alone, you must always share your meal with a partner.

The second rule is strictly enforced by the restaurant. Whatever you're eating your partner must eat at the same time, off the same plate, and the same amount, spoonful for spoonful.

If you feel like eating health food your partner must eat health food. If your partner wants to eat chocolate you have to eat chocolate. If you absolutely refuse to eat liver ever, then your partner will never get to eat any liver at the Magic Restaurant. If your partner isn't hungry and does not feel like eating then you have to wait until they get their appetite back because you're not allowed to eat alone.

You're actually quite familiar with this restaurant, you have dined here often during your lifetime. Its more common name is "A Relationship".

Some of the things that are hardest to understand about a relationship can become clearer if you think of what goes on as if it was more like the Magic Restaurant.

One of the most common problems in a relationship centres around people's appetite for closeness and intimacy. I'm not necessarily talking about sexual intimacy here in fact as far as this article is concerned I am not looking at sexual intimacy except as just another side of the big picture.

In many relationships, sadly, sex may be the only time that people experience anything approaching intimacy, and even then it's not really as intimate as it could be. In some relationships even sex can be much like another night at the Magic Restaurant, with the two partners satisfying their physical appetites but not sharing real intimacy. Anyway, for the time being let's talk about closeness and intimacy in a more general way.

What is intimacy?

It’s not quite the same as love because it’s common for people to experience close intimacy without being lovers or being in love with each other. You can experience intimacy with out any sexual content. But if two people, regardless of gender or sexual preferences share real intimacy they will also share love and a deeply connected friendship of one kind or another.

For me, intimacy is a very personal linkage, a special and noticeably different sense of being connected with very few if any barriers. The sharing is close and warm, often very private, the level of openness and honesty is high. That means each person is allowing themselves to be vulnerable, and yet it still feels safe for them to be in this state. It's a combination of things like emotional linkage, closeness and devotion all rolled in together. It is a very special kind of connection.

More connected but less protected - personal

To be intimate with someone you have to turn your protection systems down to the lowest possible yet still safe setting. You are more connected but that means you are less protected. However though you are feeling extremely vulnerable you also need to feel very safe and no matter how safe it seems there will always be some risk of being hurt.

So if intimacy is to continue both partners have to work hard to make sure the risk of being hurt remains as low as possible. The most common problem is going too far or too fast or both and suddenly feeling they cannot back out of the deep level of intimacy they find themselves in. For many people the feeling is one of pure panic, very much like going swimming and finding the water has suddenly got very deep, you can’t feel the sand under your feet.

More protected less connected - impersonal

So a first essential for a successful intimate relationship is to know how to turn your protection systems on or off as quickly as needed. You are then back to the impersonal state of being less connected but more protected. You can feel the sand under your feet again.

Different appetites for closeness and intimacy

For any two people the appetite for Intimacy can vary tremendously. Let’s go back to the Magic Restaurant again. You cannot experience linkage intimacy and closeness by yourself.

Some people have a very strong Intimacy appetite, they are hungry for closeness and intimacy. Let's call them the Intimacy-A type of person. If they find a partner with a similarly Intimacy-A appetite they will dine well and often at the Magic Relationship Restaurant. Even after a substantial meal they will soon be ready from another course of delicious Intimacy-A.

But all too often that's not the way it happens. Some people have a very limited appetite. They get indigestion from too much intimacy too often. Let's call these types Intimacy-B. And unfortunately there are many people who are almost anorexic when it comes to closeness and intimacy. Let's call them Intimacy-X.

All too often people the Intimacy-A people, the ones who are extremely hungry for closeness and intimacy find themselves caught up in a relationship with a Intimacy-B or even an Intimacy-X. The result is a very uncomfortable mealtime for both people at the Magic Relationship Restaurant. There are reasons why these two opposites are so often attracted to each other and I’ll explain more in another article but it is a very common situation not just a sad coincidence.

It's not intimacy if someone just drops all their boundaries and barriers and lets somebody get close to them. For example while we are following this restaurant analogy it's worth noting that even the Intimacy-X (intimacy anorexic) people don’t always starve themselves, After a long period of abstinence they will occasionally develop a sudden appetite for Intimacy and go on an intimacy binge provided they can find an unaware and hungry Intimacy-A who will meet them for a night of feasting at the Magic restaurant.

Afterwards the Intimacy-X has to purge all the excess intimacy before going back to their original state of intimacy anorexia again. This is devastating for the poor Intimacy-A who enjoyed their hearty meal. together and assumed it would be like that again and again. They assumed of course that they were dining with another Intimacy-A and they left the table looking forward to many more lovely feasts to follow.

Sadly that wasn't happen, not at least until the Intimacy-X feels like another binge at the Magic restaurant.

It’s very much the same when an Intimacy-A gets together with a Intimacy-B, just that things can happen a little more slowly but the end result is just as devastating for the Intimacy-A.

It’s not much fun for the Intimacy-B ether.

Some people panic when they find that intimacy has suddenly gone too far or too fast for them, usually driven by the over-enthusiasm of the Intimacy-A The Intimacy-B will enjoy this for a start but then suddenly start to feel trapped or stuck in this deep and scary level of what to them is just too much intimacy at the one time. For the Intimacy-B the feeling is like going swimming and finding the water has suddenly got very deep, Once they can’t feel the sand under their feet they panic.

Dynamiting the Bridge

One of the more common reactions at this point is known as “dynamiting the bridge”. .

The Intimacy-B has to get out of the situation as fast as possible and they may have found in the past that the fastest (not the best) way to do this is to set up a horrible fight with the person they are now feeling too close to!

That way the Intimacy-A is devastated but it also means that he or she will back away. In most cases their anger may even add some dynamite to the charge and the intimacy bridge is blown sky high.

Intimacy X people do the same thing but with TNT and other of the latest explosives instead of ordinary old dynamite.

For more on Healing your relationships, go to -

http://www.healing-relationships.growingaware.com/index.html

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"Is it really safe for me to change?"

Making changes that will make a difference to your life

I can imagine that you are interested in making changes or improvements in your life, otherwise you pros? What will the overall results mean to you and people around you?

Choose your timing

Equally important is for you to decide when you are ready to make these changes. Before you start to make even one small change in your life,. ask yourself, " Am I really comfortable about the whole process of changing? Is now the right time for me?

IS IT SAFE FOR ME TO CHANGE HERE?

Let me tell you a story.

If you have ever been to Fraser Island off the coast in Queensland you will have some special memories of this remarkable and unspoiled haven. The whole island is now preserved as a national park. Lake McKenzie with its crystal clear water and white sand is one of the island' s most beautiful fresh-water lakes and a favourite swimming spot.

Some years ago I visited the lake with Sheila, a friend from overseas. It was a hot day and I suggested we go for a swim but at that time there were no buildings anywhere near the lake. If you wanted to change you went behind the nearest tree!

Keep in mind that the area around the lake is populated by a number of native dogs or dingoes, of little concern to an Australian like me raised in the bush, but enough to worry someone from another part of the world.

So Sheila asked an obvious question "Is it safe for me to change here?"

I recognised two particular issues of concern which she expressed in her question. First what if someone was watching and secondly what about those wild dingoes?

I also recognised that without my reassurance, there was little chance of Sheila changing into her swimming costume and enjoying the experience of a refreshing swim in the lake.

The story has a happy ending. I was aware that as the person with the local knowledge it was my responsibility to explain why there was no risk and reassure Sheila that it really was safe, which I was able to do so successfully. Sheila changed into her swimming costume (or "togs" as we call them here.) Our swim was most enjoyable and she left Australia with very happy memories of the island and the knowledge that it really was safe for her to change beside the lake.

So, what has all of this to do with the characters to live and work in our inner village, our sub-personalities or in classic voice dialogue terms our "inner selves"? As it turns out, quite a lot.

Whenever you change you are entering new territory

When people are away from their home territory, like Sheila they are going to be a lot less confident than usual about what they can and cannot do. It's understandable that they will be concerned about the risks of doing anything new or different, particularly if they haven’t done anything like it before.

The first and most important step

As a newcomer to this exciting and wonderful change process the first thing is for someone else with "local experience" (at the moment that's me) to help you to understand a lot more about what happens inside what I call your "inner village". There's lots to tell you about the "new territory" that is your inner village, the characters who live in the village and how you can then use this knowledge to make powerful changes in your life.

This will help to reassure you that it is all right for you to make changes in your own inner village, but only when (like Sheila) you understand enough about what is going to happen.

I, or for that matter any or any other person who uses the change process, the person with the "local experience" has had lots of practice and lots of successes working with inner protector characters. So it is our job to make sure that when we introduce you to this work, whether we call it inner self work, voice dialogue, personal growth or something else, that before you actually start using the technique, we have been able to show you that changing this way is absolutely safe for you. Then and only then is it time to show you how easily you can create change within your own inner village.

What are the dangers?

What will other people say?

One of the primary fears that people have about changing is usually how other people around them will react to those changes. Let's keep in mind a couple of the key aspects of Sheila's concerns about changing. It's understandable that she was worried about how other people might react if they saw her changing and it's equally understandable that she might have some fear about the danger associated with native animals who might take advantage of her vulnerability while she was changing.

Once I was able to assure Sheila that that there was no risk involved she was then much more comfortable about changing. Let's apply this realisation to the way you need to begin before you can be comfortable about working with personal change.

I need to introduce you to this amazing place inside you that we call your "inner village", and some of the powerful "protector characters" that live there. These characters inside you can also help to reassure you that you have little to fear from other people who are watching you change (partners, family, close friends, associates and work).

But I'll be more vulnerable won't I?

When we are changing (whether it is our clothes, our lifestyle or our personality) that is the time when we our at our most vulnerable. Like Sheila you may also be concerned about some of the wilder characters, either in your own inner village or in other people's villages nearby who might attack you while, so to speak, you have your "pants down". Yes, it's understandable that you would be a bit worried that some of them might appear on the scene just when you are in the middle of making a change. So, it is the responsibility of the experienced person who knows more about these wilder characters to teach you first how to protect yourself from them.

So, that's why before I start working with you or any newcomer, introducing the process of personal change and personal growth, I try to avoid starting by showing them just how easy it is to change. That is until I have shown them how to make it safe for them to begin.

Note: I didn't always act with such caution. I was so enthusiastic about the power of voice dialogue that I was inclined to show people first how easy it was to change and to explain why and what was happening afterwards. Now It's the other way round.

What is the best way to start?

Let's begin by introducing you to the idea of the "inner village". That part in itself is quite safe. Then let us meet some of the more familiar and easy to talk to the characters who live and work inside your inner village. Many of them come under the heading of "protector characters". Their primary task in your inner village is to protect you. They have been doing the work for years and have an excellent safety record, otherwise they would not still be there.

Each one of them is concerned about your fears, your worries, your sadness, your emotional pain and their lives centre around protecting you from this.

By the way we have a term which it may help to introduce this stage, we describe all these problems as "underlying" meaning that the better the protection the less we are aware of the vulnerability underneath. And that's a good thing.

Later on will take a closer look at some of these underlying issues in detail and notice how each of them is closely connected to our fear of change. For each person the list will be different but here are some examples:

Fear of what might happen if I do change – for example:

What do I lose or risk losing by changing?
How can I be sure that making changes like this won't make things worse instead of better for me?
Might I lose some of my friends or lose my partner?
Might I lose my present sense of self-control?
I'll feel less confident than I do now, as I try out new and unfamiliar ways of doing things. How can that be safe?
Could I lose my present sense of who I am, my identity?
Will people still like me after I change? Will people criticise me for being different? Will they find me less likeable or (Heaven forbid) less lovable?
Will this take up more of my already limited time or money?
What other questions would you ask?
Other thoughts?
I will be moving from familiar to unfamiliar territory. That’s scary for me.
What things, what words, what actions make me feel unsafe?
What makes me feel unprotected?
What things, what words, what actions help me feel safe or protected?

A good place to begin is to ask some of the protector characters in your inner village some questions about this. And this is something we can do when we start talking to them, maybe even for the first time: After all this is what their job is about, and this is one thing that protector inner protector characters (inner selves) love telling you about it is their job in the village and why and how they help you by doing it.

Talking to the gatekeeper or guardian

For example, one of the first characters you might talk with could be the one described as the "gatekeeper" or "guardian" who, in my experience is the character who often decides whether or not your village will continue with personal growth and change or whether to bring it to a rapid halt.

But, I am getting ahead of myself. We need to begin at the beginning and tell you more about these wonderful characters who live and work inside you, your inner protector characters and find out how they got there, what they do and how they work.

It's just that I had to explain to you first about how important it is that you do not rush into using this new understanding to make changes before you are absolutely confident that you are ready to change and that you know it’s safe for you to make the changes you want to make.

Once you feel this way that is exactly the right time to start on the wonderful process of making worthwhile changes in your life. You’ll get so much more out of it, because you will be doing it with a sense of confidence and the knowledge that it is "safe for you to change here."

Guidelines to working with inner selves - Life in the inner village >

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Normal multiple personality states in Contrast with DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder

There is a very significant difference between having many different inner selves or personality states within us (which are normal and healthy even though they can cause a few problems) and DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder (which used to be known as "Multiple Personality Disorder".)

Media presenters often fail to appreciate this when they talk about personality issues. In fact they even tend to confuse DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder with Schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia. is another quite different disorder and it is not characterised by splitting off personalities nor having multiple dissociated personalities. Schizophrenia is a brain chemistry disorder which is characterised by sudden mood swings, extreme changes in mood together with other more extreme symptoms. If the patient happens to swing quickly from one personality to another during an episode that could be one of the more normal things they are doing. We all tend to do that when we are disturbed, but those swings are not the result of schizophrenia.

Let's try to clear this up.

What is Dissociation?

Dissociation is a powerful process, but by itself it can be quite functional. We all dissociate from time to time. It’s normal. Day dreaming during a boring lecture is a typical example. We leave where we are and take ourselves and our mind somewhere else more interesting or exciting. Everyday dissociation can commonly range from this mild example to medium level (fantasising about a romantic lover to get you through boring sex).

It can go on to much higher levels such as getting ourselves into a "somewhere else" place where we can actually forget about a serious problem such as a partner's continual infidelity or excessive drinking. The less we have to be aware of it the easier it is to deny that it is still a problem, but somewhere in the backs of our minds we will still worry about it. These forms of dissociation are however within the ‘normal range of human behaviour, though that is not to say that they can't still cause you lots of problems.

Important points:

1. This process of "mentally projecting myself somewhere else, into another more comfortable place" is what dissociation is meant to do and if you have found it has worked for you in the past you will naturally use it again and again. Children learn to dissociate as a normal function of playing and also to help them deal with childhood stress.

2. As long as you are aware of what you are doing AT THE TIME dissociation is not likely to cause serious problems. If, however, people are unaware that they are dissociating or later on they deny they have dissociated then they are likely to have real difficulties with life, work and specially relationships.

3. Abusing a child will obviously increase the chances that the child will discover how to use dissociation to escape the pain, fear or sadness each time it happens. So the more severe or extended the abuse the more the child will develop its ability to use dissociation as an escape. In extreme cases, clients often say "I always used to fly up to the ceiling and watch Daddy beating some other child on the bed." This is an example of a very high level of dissociation and may lead to DID in teens or adulthood.

4. With DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder the existence of several different "multiple" personalities is part of the dissociation process, but it is not THE problem. The essential problem is the very high level of dissociation, which explains why the description was changed from the old term "Multiple Personality Disorder" This latter term should never be used today.

DID is a clinically diagnosable state but it is not a brain chemistry disorder. One common indicator of this state is that when a person is "in" one personality they may have no recollection at all that other personalities or "alters" exist in them. Often these personalities are extremely different or hold opposite points of view, some (in the same client) buy clothes that another of their personalities would never wear, one will steal while another is scrupulously honest, some even exhibit symptoms of different allergic reactions to the same substances!

Movies such as "Sybil" and "The Three Faces of Eve" illustrate how extreme DID can affect a person's life.

My son, Anthony Bligh, today an experienced clinical psychologist in his own right, suggests a colourful comparison in which a person with normal sub personalities or inner selves, might see themselves as much like a football team. The members might not all agree on the "right" way to play the game, they may clash with the coach and argue with the referee. But when it comes to getting the ball through the goal posts they are all in agreement that this is what matters most. They have no difficulty agreeing on really important goals like wanting to win. They may have different views about what the goal posts look like but all of them agree where the posts are located and which ones the ball goes through for a win or a loss.

Contrast this with DID in which in this analogy there are still the same number of players on the field, but some of them have never even met or are not aware of each other, some are playing football, others tennis some don't even have a ball and are high jumping or doing gymnastics and some are busy writing on their laptops. Each one has a different set of goals and a different rule book (or no book at all). As well, several may each think they are the referee. There may be a main referee present but with no agreement on who he or she is, there is no way of coordinating the players into a single a team or having them all concentrate on working towards a common goal.

The cause of DID is still debated by psychiatrists, but most practitioners report a very high connection between clients in this state and severe, repeated childhood abuse or trauma. The condition has been treated with some success, but only by therapists who have been specially trained in this area.

Voice dialogue unless you have had extensive training in this area, is definitely NOT a suitable treatment and should be avoided with anyone you suspect of having DID. See warning Clause 3.6 in Voice Dialogue facilitator's Guide

For more information on DID in Brisbane contact the Mental Health Association on (07) 3358 4988 or their website www.mentalhealth.org.au

From "Growing Awareness" by John Bligh Nutting - Contact John

Website: http://www.inner-self-aware-voice-dialogue.com/

THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN RELEASED FROM COPYRIGHT AND MAY BE REPRODUCED OR DISTRIBUTED ON PAPER, OR OVER THE WEB, FREE OF ANY PAYMENT PROVIDED THE WORDING IS NOT SUBSTANTIALLY ALTERED NOR ADDED TO WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I WOULD, HOWEVER, APPRECIATE IT IF YOU INCLUDE MY NAME and other details as shown above at the end of the article.

If you want to use it professionally or commercially (charge a fee for it) or distribute it to fee paying clients, each sheet you hand out must include full acknowledgment of the source as above and if you are benefiting as a result, I would appreciate an appropriate sharing.

Feedback - please e-mail me John Bligh Nutting - at bligh7@growingaware.com

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How and why your inner selves react when a core belief is triggered

We are desperately chasing after reminders of things we want to forget from our childhood. We may be almost as busy today, avoiding the gifts we missed out on as children (This process is often identified as a repetitive pattern of negative self-defeating behaviour)

Almost every unbalanced or negative belief we have about ourselves seems to be connected in some way with our deepest thoughts or feelings about being:

• not good enough (incompetent)

• not good enough (unlovable)

• unwanted, different

• defective, imperfect, bad

• powerless, one-below

• in danger, not safe

• don’t know, wrong

Within those broad belief patterns, however, are many different variations. Whatever your unbalanced beliefs are, they help to define your unique and individual core issues and these in turn control the way your inner selves react when those issues are triggered. It's often been said that whatever your most negative core belief about yourself might be, that's the one your selves will tend most to "dance around".

How your unbalanced core beliefs bind your reality

While you have powerful unbalanced negative beliefs in place, your sense of reality will be so tied up, polarised, bound and distorted that you literally cannot see the positive parts within you. Until you begin the balancing process, you will probably reject, even fight the reality if someone tries to tell you that you have a positive side. This happens so often that one of the easiest ways to identify a core belief is just to ask yourself what kind of compliment (about you) usually makes you feel most uncomfortable.

As a result, you will find it easier to collect ‘evidence’ that seems to prove that your negative core beliefs are true and harder to see any evidence to the contrary! If one of your beliefs is ‘My ideas are not worth listening to’ you will notice every instance where people ignore your advice (and you will be hurt by that). You may totally miss a situation where someone compliments you on a worthwhile suggestion or you may hear it but get no joy from the compliment (you may even devalue it) wondering to yourself. ‘What is he trying to get out of me?’

You will miss the truth because you are so busy trying to cope with the lie. The problem you are trying to get rid of is actually being helped to stay put.

Why is this so? Because your inner selves tend to use one fixed, automatic, repetitive polarised pattern to keep you from feeling the pain connected to a negative belief. Unfortunately, accepting a sincere compliment would also connect you to the same belief so the same automatic pattern comes in to block both positive and negative messages. To add to the problem, whatever your unique unbalanced beliefs about yourself might be, they will unconsciously attract (towards you) the kind of people whose behaviour fits in with your negative beliefs, as if you had a sign above your head inviting the very people who will trigger those beliefs to come in and do just that!

At the same time your beliefs will help you repel or distance from positive people who do not fit in with your beliefs. And this in turn, will shape many of the ways those people then react towards you! In this way, core beliefs control much of your life. They influence major life decisions including your choice of a career and marriage partner, but unfortunately in a less than positive way.

The ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’

This is aptly described as a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’, suggesting that what you expect or predict is more likely to happen because of the things you do to prepare yourself for it. This is more likely whenever your supporting beliefs tell you ‘it is going to happen again.’

What is a "trigger" and what is "triggering"?

A trigger can be an event, a specific comment, a specific experience, an action by another person, it can be a particular sight or sound, a sudden flash of a past memory, a tone of voice. Triggers (usually or always) ignite your immediate, strong and automatic reaction or bring on feelings of extreme pain, discomfort, destabilisation, fear, confusion, disappointment or devastation. Some of your triggers have been with you all your life, many have been there since early childhood. Usually, they will set off the same reaction each time you are reminded of the original situation.

All it takes is an event (Example: being ignored) that reminds you of your childhood wounding and your core pain, hearing a familiar phrase (‘you are so helpless’), being touched somewhere on your body, an emotion (someone else’s fear or anger) hearing a piece of music, even a particular aroma (familiar perfume). Even just talking about a painful past event can trigger you.

How do you use voice dialogue and inner self work and voice dialogue to help understand your core beliefs?

For more on Core beliefs, go to - http://core-beliefs-balance.com/

E-Book Series on Core Beliefs - Online Store>

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THE PATH AND THE HOLES

(I wrote this story after hearing a different version about a ‘street’, from a member of AA - I know now that it in turn was based on a short poem by Portia Nelson)

On my pathway there are many deep and slippery holes. As I walk down my path each day, I keep falling into them. Some days it seems as though I spend more of my time falling into holes and trying to get out of holes than I do moving along the path.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARTNER

My partner and I both keep falling into holes along the path. My partner helps me get back out of the holes. Sometimes he/she hurts me while they are getting me out, but it’s better than being stuck in the hole forever. Some days we push each other into the holes, just so we can help each other out again. We use up so much time and energy this way there’s not much left for moving along the path.

My partner isn’t always here when I need him or her. I feel frightened when I think of having to walk the path alone. I might get stuck in one of the big holes and never get out.

CODEPENDENCY

We both need each other to help one another to get out again. I’ve been told that’s what people do when they love each other so I keep on doing it. Some days I do things for my partner that I don’t really want to. That helps keep her/him from leaving me. Sometimes I wonder if my partner pushes me into the holes so that I’ll need to keep him/her around me to rescue me. Also I have to reward my partner for helping me get out and I don’t think that’s fair.

If there is an easy way to get out of those holes by myself I wish I could learn about it. Then I wouldn’t feel so helpless when my partner isn’t here and so angry when my partner wants to be rewarded for helping me out.

RECOVERY - STARTING OFF - IT’S OK TO HAVE SOME SLIPS

Today I try walking down my path alone. I know now where the holes are and I’m being more careful. But the sides of one hole are very slippery. In I fall again. I struggle and struggle to get out but I’m stuck. I call my partner who helps me out.

RECOVERY STAGE TWO - MAKING CHANGES

As I walk down the path today I realise I am feeling stronger. I’m getting to know more about the holes and how slippery they are. I am learning to take care of myself. I feel so confident I lose concentration for a moment. Down into a hole I slip. Instead of my partner, I call my therapist. Instead of helping me out, my therapist shows me how to get out by myself.

RECOVERY STAGE THREE - LEARNING I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF

Walking down the path, I notice the more I learn about those holes, the smaller they seem to become. There’s one big one left and just when I am congratulating myself on getting past it, I fall in. But I know how to get out by myself and I notice that the more I do it the easier it is. I realise that the holes have less and less power over me and my life.

RECOVERY STAGE FOUR - FREEDOM

Today is the first time I walk right down the path without falling into any of the holes. I did it by myself and I know I can do it again.

RECOVERY FIFTH STAGE - GROWTH AND NEW BEGINNINGS

I decide to build a new path for myself. It won’t have any holes in it!

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